“Oh what we could be
if we stopped
carrying the remains
of who we were.”
~ Tyler Knott Gregson
I saw this quote in a newsletter the other day and had a few thoughts on its sentiment. I see this kind of thinking all the time, encouraging people to let go of what has happened in the past and “re-make” themselves. But this one got my attention in particular, since from a brain perspective, I don’t see this as something that can be done. Physically, I mean. In the brain.
…“if we stopped carrying the remains of who we were.” What does that mean?
I think most people take it mean letting go of their past and starting fresh from some point zero in their new life, starting a new way of being. As if we could empty out the garbage and start fresh to fill our container. Or shake the accumulated Stuff out of our purse or backpack, clean it out, and start again with a clean bag. Even decluttering our homes has this flavour - getting rid of things we no longer need or want in our lives to “make room for the new” to enter in or to just leave us feeling more spacious and free and unfettered.
But we and our brain aren’t a garbage can or bag or home full of Stuff. We don’t have “bits” we can detach and throw out.
And our brain doesn’t work on the same principles as these everyday items.
For example, if you declutter a bookshelf, you can remove any one or more of the books without impacting the other books. Perhaps a full shelf might start to fall to the side if you remove too many books, but you can push them back up and Pride and Prejudice still on the shelf is unaffected by the absence of the War of Art. They are separate bits of your world of Stuff.
But the brain is literally built up from what it has experienced before. Its development is “iterative”, meaning it’s more like a chain where each link is tied to the links before and after it. Everything we learn is grounded in what we’ve learned before.
Compound interest on bank accounts is also iterative - let’s say we earn 5% interest on the principal (of say $100), then we earn more interest on the total of the principal plus that initial interest ($100+$5), then on the total of those earnings plus the new interest ($105+$5.25), and so on ($110.25+$5.51; $115.76+5.79, etc.). The amount of interest grows because it is calculated not just on the principal, but on previously earned interest added to that principal. That’s iteration - something is building on what came before.
So if you have had certain life experiences - pleasant or unpleasant - you aren’t experiencing those events and relationships as independent experiences that are separate from what came before. Your brain is always “starting” from previous learning that is connected (“linked”) in some way and you perceive this new experience from that perspective. Your experience of something new is always grounded in what you’ve learned before.
For example, flying down a steep hill on a bike might be fun or exhilarating if your previous experiences included successful risk-taking, other experiences “at speed” that went well (skiing down hills, sledding, car racing, practice on smaller hills). But if you’ve been involved in a crash before, or had a car or pedestrian unexpectedly pop out at you when you couldn’t stop, or have a history of other experiences that lead you to expect the worst, you might well be tense and terrified going down that steep hill.
“But isn’t that the point of the quote?”, I hear you thinking. “To let go of those previous experiences and the fear that comes with them, so we can enjoy the ride?”
From a brain perspective, though, because the literal structure of the brain and the pattern and dynamics of its connections is built on what came before, we can’t “let go” of those previous experiences. Even if you work to overcome that terror, if you practice going down bigger and bigger hills going faster and faster, you’ll still be learning that on the foundation of the previous experiences.
But here’s the good news.. If you manage to stay with it until you do enjoy a downhill ride, your ultimate experience of “success” is not just success at feeling the exhilaration of zooming downhill. It also includes the sense of success at overcoming your previous fears and learning about your own courage and determination and ability to tolerate the discomfort of fear.
And that’s why I would re-write that quote above to be something more like:
“Oh what we could be
if every day we chose to
shape the remains
of how we were
into how we want to be.”